The Art of Reviewing Without Reviewing

#1
First and foremost, escort reviews are not allowed on UKE and for good reason ... death by popcorn! However, I'm hoping that explicitly fictional pieces may be able to pass through this checkpoint without bloodshed.

So, basically the idea - for members of all ilks but writing from the position of a service user aka customer aka punter - is for respondents to write their own hypothetical review of a booking which never really happened demonstrating how they believe one should be written to best serve others who may consider following in their ... footsteps. I'm particularly interested in what some of our escort members come up with.

I suppose a selection of wantonly awful efforts could be allowed too; as if I have any say. If so no surreptitious cut and paste jobs from elsewhere please!

I've always hated reviewing and don't wish to kill this thread before it even begins so I'll write no more for now.

P.S. No word limits as this isn't Describe Your Last Real Booking.
 
#3
Simple for me, its up to punters to decide how to write their own reviews, its not for me to tell or show them what suits me.

In my case I write a review with factual information like the area the punt occurred in giving the first part of the postcode and the name of the area. What occurred with com contact, what was agreed to, then when I meet the WG what nationality she said she was, what age I thought she was ish, what size ish, whether her free A/W pics are of her, whether any face pics are her and with any pics that they are of her now in the present. Whether she can speak the lingo if foreign. Maybe a bit about the premises, whether its a brothel or not for example, I might not know this until I am punting when I hear others, then I might look and locate other WGs in the same premises later. I only do Incalls.

What services were offered that were agreed when I booked so typically FK/DFK/OWO/RO and how good I thought those services were offered and at what cost, what I thought of the WGs attitude. Advice on parking or public transport IF I know it. Then give her A/W links including the all important numbered link which then brings any other reviews up under that numbered link, plus IF I can find them maybe add old link/s from a previous profile of the same WG. Then what sometimes happens is another or other punters are good enough to add the WGs pics to the review which I am not good at doing and which I thank them for doing. In these days of a vast amount of profile swapping and bait and switching its the best way of trying to track WGs along with the numbered link/s.
 
#4
Basically I try to use this style;

Background (setting the scene)

Communication (how comms were made)

Appearance and Attitude

Shenanigans (services received + how good said services were delivered)

Conclusion/Pros and Cons

I keep things factual but it is pretty obvious to tell the stupendous bookings from the good ones.
 
#5
I usually start with the facts

Who: Whorey McProstitute

Where: incall location in paidsexborough

How much: £10 gazillion plus emotional toll and £20 extra for bumstuffing

Services: owo, cim, anal, critical literary analysis

The lady: matches the pictures if slightly larger moustache

Would I return: I moved in

Then follow up with a longer more detailed account talking about specific highlights or fuckups for anyone who wants a wank.

I’m available in paperback and kindle.
 
#7
Perfection...:D:D

Her voice is like incense of camphor and sandlewood, husky and exotic, drifting on the breeze from the east like campfire smoke, the hint of dawn, the promise of rain across the sea.

Her eyes are deep pools, the salmon of knowledge might drink deep from them, so great is her intellect, revealed there-in. Yet the crude, mean hearted, and ignorant will see only their own ugliness and foolishness reflected in those twin, opalescent mirrors.

Her tongue is like forest honey , sweet and intoxicating, whether it be with the words you hear upon her lips or in the execution of those skills and mysteries that belong to a true Qedeshah.

Her moans of pleasure are like the fanfare of iniquity, the high-pitched cry of the curlew on the cliffs as you plunge, like one despairing, bereft of life, from the blinding white cliffs into the cool oblivion of the welcoming sea that is her embrace.

Do not mock the prophet, nor the faith. For the ignorant, the disbelievers - they shall not be carried into paradise. As for her, she is a Hierodule, she is no mean person. Her place is assured.
 
#8
Perfection...:D:D

Her voice is like incense of camphor and sandlewood, husky and exotic, drifting on the breeze from the east like campfire smoke, the hint of dawn, the promise of rain across the sea.

Her eyes are deep pools, the salmon of knowledge might drink deep from them, so great is her intellect, revealed there-in. Yet the crude, mean hearted, and ignorant will see only their own ugliness and foolishness reflected in those twin, opalescent mirrors.

Her tongue is like forest honey , sweet and intoxicating, whether it be with the words you hear upon her lips or in the execution of those skills and mysteries that belong to a true Qedeshah.

Her moans of pleasure are like the fanfare of iniquity, the high-pitched cry of the curlew on the cliffs as you plunge, like one despairing, bereft of life, from the blinding white cliffs into the cool oblivion of the welcoming sea that is her embrace.

Do not mock the prophet, nor the faith. For the ignorant, the disbelievers - they shall not be carried into paradise. As for her, she is a Hierodule, she is no mean person. Her place is assured.
I think I saw this girl
 
#9
Perfection...:D:D

Her voice is like incense of camphor and sandlewood, husky and exotic, drifting on the breeze from the east like campfire smoke, the hint of dawn, the promise of rain across the sea.

Her eyes are deep pools, the salmon of knowledge might drink deep from them, so great is her intellect, revealed there-in. Yet the crude, mean hearted, and ignorant will see only their own ugliness and foolishness reflected in those twin, opalescent mirrors.

Her tongue is like forest honey , sweet and intoxicating, whether it be with the words you hear upon her lips or in the execution of those skills and mysteries that belong to a true Qedeshah.

Her moans of pleasure are like the fanfare of iniquity, the high-pitched cry of the curlew on the cliffs as you plunge, like one despairing, bereft of life, from the blinding white cliffs into the cool oblivion of the welcoming sea that is her embrace.

Do not mock the prophet, nor the faith. For the ignorant, the disbelievers - they shall not be carried into paradise. As for her, she is a Hierodule, she is no mean person. Her place is assured.
Amazing what can transpire between two people when the kiss test goes well......
 
#10
Perfection...:D:D

Her voice is like incense of camphor and sandlewood, husky and exotic, drifting on the breeze from the east like campfire smoke, the hint of dawn, the promise of rain across the sea.

Her eyes are deep pools, the salmon of knowledge might drink deep from them, so great is her intellect, revealed there-in. Yet the crude, mean hearted, and ignorant will see only their own ugliness and foolishness reflected in those twin, opalescent mirrors.

Her tongue is like forest honey , sweet and intoxicating, whether it be with the words you hear upon her lips or in the execution of those skills and mysteries that belong to a true Qedeshah.

Her moans of pleasure are like the fanfare of iniquity, the high-pitched cry of the curlew on the cliffs as you plunge, like one despairing, bereft of life, from the blinding white cliffs into the cool oblivion of the welcoming sea that is her embrace.

Do not mock the prophet, nor the faith. For the ignorant, the disbelievers - they shall not be carried into paradise. As for her, she is a Hierodule, she is no mean person. Her place is assured.
What about this classic;

I’m hard and deep inside her fucking her on the bathroom sink her tight little black dress still on her thong on the floor my pants at my knees our eyes locked, our hearts and souls and bodies locked.

Cum inside me.
Cum inside me.
Cum inside me.

Blinding breathless shaking overwhelming exploding white God I cum inside her my cock throbbing we’re both moaning eyes hearts souls bodies one.

One.
White.
God.
Cum.
Cum.
Cum.

I close my eyes let out my breath.
Cum.

:lol:
 
#11
What about this classic;

I’m hard and deep inside her fucking her on the bathroom sink her tight little black dress still on her thong on the floor my pants at my knees our eyes locked, our hearts and souls and bodies locked.

Cum inside me.
Cum inside me.
Cum inside me.

Blinding breathless shaking overwhelming exploding white God I cum inside her my cock throbbing we’re both moaning eyes hearts souls bodies one.

One.
White.
God.
Cum.
Cum.
Cum.

I close my eyes let out my breath.
Cum.

:lol:
Who the fuck wrote that?

Prince Andrew?:lol:
 
#12
Who the fuck wrote that?

Prince Andrew?:lol:
There's more;

“Empty my tanks,” I’d begged breathlessly, as once more she began drawing me deep inside her pleasure cave.

Her vaginal ratchet moved in concertina-like waves, slowly chugging my organ as a boa constrictor swallows its prey.

Soon I was locked in, balls deep, ready to be ground down by the enamelled pepper mill within her.
 
#14
Perfection...:D:D

Her voice is like incense of camphor and sandlewood, husky and exotic, drifting on the breeze from the east like campfire smoke, the hint of dawn, the promise of rain across the sea.

Her eyes are deep pools, the salmon of knowledge might drink deep from them, so great is her intellect, revealed there-in. Yet the crude, mean hearted, and ignorant will see only their own ugliness and foolishness reflected in those twin, opalescent mirrors.

Her tongue is like forest honey , sweet and intoxicating, whether it be with the words you hear upon her lips or in the execution of those skills and mysteries that belong to a true Qedeshah.

Her moans of pleasure are like the fanfare of iniquity, the high-pitched cry of the curlew on the cliffs as you plunge, like one despairing, bereft of life, from the blinding white cliffs into the cool oblivion of the welcoming sea that is her embrace.

Do not mock the prophet, nor the faith. For the ignorant, the disbelievers - they shall not be carried into paradise. As for her, she is a Hierodule, she is no mean person. Her place is assured.
For fucks sake man, LINK!!!!!?? :D
 
#15
What about this classic;

I’m hard and deep inside her fucking her on the bathroom sink her tight little black dress still on her thong on the floor my pants at my knees our eyes locked, our hearts and souls and bodies locked.

Cum inside me.
Cum inside me.
Cum inside me.

Blinding breathless shaking overwhelming exploding white God I cum inside her my cock throbbing we’re both moaning eyes hearts souls bodies one.

One.
White.
God.
Cum.
Cum.
Cum.

I close my eyes let out my breath.
Cum.

:lol:
Yeah sorry about that,:lol: at the time I was in love with the WG, it took me some time to wake up.
 
#16
Perfection...:D:D

Her voice is like incense of camphor and sandlewood, husky and exotic, drifting on the breeze from the east like campfire smoke, the hint of dawn, the promise of rain across the sea.

Her eyes are deep pools, the salmon of knowledge might drink deep from them, so great is her intellect, revealed there-in. Yet the crude, mean hearted, and ignorant will see only their own ugliness and foolishness reflected in those twin, opalescent mirrors.

Her tongue is like forest honey , sweet and intoxicating, whether it be with the words you hear upon her lips or in the execution of those skills and mysteries that belong to a true Qedeshah.

Her moans of pleasure are like the fanfare of iniquity, the high-pitched cry of the curlew on the cliffs as you plunge, like one despairing, bereft of life, from the blinding white cliffs into the cool oblivion of the welcoming sea that is her embrace.

Do not mock the prophet, nor the faith. For the ignorant, the disbelievers - they shall not be carried into paradise. As for her, she is a Hierodule, she is no mean person. Her place is assured.
I had to google "Hierodule".

"(in ancient times) a slave living in a temple and dedicated to the service of a god. " to save anyone else the bother.
 
#17
There's more;

“Empty my tanks,” I’d begged breathlessly, as once more she began drawing me deep inside her pleasure cave.

Her vaginal ratchet moved in concertina-like waves, slowly chugging my organ as a boa constrictor swallows its prey.

Soon I was locked in, balls deep, ready to be ground down by the enamelled pepper mill within her.
I'm going to look at my pepper mill in a very different light from now.
 
#18
Perfection...:D:D

Her voice is like incense of camphor and sandlewood, husky and exotic, drifting on the breeze from the east like campfire smoke, the hint of dawn, the promise of rain across the sea.

Her eyes are deep pools, the salmon of knowledge might drink deep from them, so great is her intellect, revealed there-in. Yet the crude, mean hearted, and ignorant will see only their own ugliness and foolishness reflected in those twin, opalescent mirrors.

Her tongue is like forest honey , sweet and intoxicating, whether it be with the words you hear upon her lips or in the execution of those skills and mysteries that belong to a true Qedeshah.

Her moans of pleasure are like the fanfare of iniquity, the high-pitched cry of the curlew on the cliffs as you plunge, like one despairing, bereft of life, from the blinding white cliffs into the cool oblivion of the welcoming sea that is her embrace.

Do not mock the prophet, nor the faith. For the ignorant, the disbelievers - they shall not be carried into paradise. As for her, she is a Hierodule, she is no mean person. Her place is assured.
its deep shit callin on an bradan feasa.......?
 
#19
well OP its the truth ....the whole truth.........an nothing but the truth........in reviews (:lol:)........I try to give a consistent format wi basics as outlined above an I never recommend. I will look at the few consistent reliable reviewers if I want pointers for new meets.....things that relly annoy me in this expensive hobby are reviewers who are fantasists/no objective an truthful.......their views have nae value tae me........and SPs who kick up against fair reviews and bring their army of fanbouys.......expensive shite attitude/service needs to be called out.........:bomb::bomb::bomb:
 
#22
I prefer short factual reviews. Those reviewers who set out to impress us with their sexual prowess can be entertaining, but ultimately I want to know how good the SP is, not them. I'm more interested in the car parking situation that whether or not she can squirt and fake orgasms 12 times an hour. :lol:

I pretty much always use the following format:

Communications
How did I book, what did it cost, etc.

Location
Could I find the place, get parked, and locate the door buzzer.

First impressions
Did the SP match her profile, what was she wearing and did she make me feel welcome.

Main event
What went on, including a brief summary of positions, services, attitude and skill.

Conclusion
Why have I chosen green, grey or red. Would I go back.
 
#24
Perfection...:D:D

Her voice is like incense of camphor and sandlewood, husky and exotic, drifting on the breeze from the east like campfire smoke, the hint of dawn, the promise of rain across the sea.

Her eyes are deep pools, the salmon of knowledge might drink deep from them, so great is her intellect, revealed there-in. Yet the crude, mean hearted, and ignorant will see only their own ugliness and foolishness reflected in those twin, opalescent mirrors.

Her tongue is like forest honey , sweet and intoxicating, whether it be with the words you hear upon her lips or in the execution of those skills and mysteries that belong to a true Qedeshah.

Her moans of pleasure are like the fanfare of iniquity, the high-pitched cry of the curlew on the cliffs as you plunge, like one despairing, bereft of life, from the blinding white cliffs into the cool oblivion of the welcoming sea that is her embrace.

Do not mock the prophet, nor the faith. For the ignorant, the disbelievers - they shall not be carried into paradise. As for her, she is a Hierodule, she is no mean person. Her place is assured.
One of those earlier efforts that @BarrytheBadger alluded to composing on another thread?!
 
Messages
2,310
#25
Is it ok to name someone in the last meeting thread :crazy:
I remember there was a farrago when Stewart said he had met Andrea M and she considered this unacceptable.
But if the lady agrees to being tagged is it ok then.
As it gives a better picture than just randomly saying I met a random person.
 
#26
Is it ok to name someone in the last meeting thread :crazy:
I remember there was a farrago when Stewart said he had met Andrea M and she considered this unacceptable.
But if the lady agrees to being tagged is it ok then.
As it gives a better picture than just randomly saying I met a random person.
IMO naming someone turns the post into a (mini) review. Personally, I wouldn't tag them even if they were ok with it.
 
#27
I usually start with the facts

Who: Whorey McProstitute

Where: incall location in paidsexborough

How much: £10 gazillion plus emotional toll and £20 extra for bumstuffing

Services: owo, cim, anal, critical literary analysis

The lady: matches the pictures if slightly larger moustache

Would I return: I moved in

Then follow up with a longer more detailed account talking about specific highlights or fuckups for anyone who wants a wank.

I’m available in paperback and kindle.
Crying. Bloody superb
 
#28
Is it ok to name someone in the last meeting thread :crazy:
I remember there was a farrago when Stewart said he had met Andrea M and she considered this unacceptable.
But if the lady agrees to being tagged is it ok then.
As it gives a better picture than just randomly saying I met a random person.
Anonymous it is just about the author's experience, with an attached escort's name it could cross into the realms of touting, territorial marking, pestering and so on. I say could, not necessarily that it has to.

Speaking of tagging I doubt @Justreading2023 or even @Annabollina are going to fall on anything but deaf ears but with the site being presently open a new member may possibly respond. The incident you recount was funny; an attempt at ass kissing that backfired badly ... I've always warned against the dangers of rimming!
 
#30
What about this classic;

I’m hard and deep inside her fucking her on the bathroom sink her tight little black dress still on her thong on the floor my pants at my knees our eyes locked, our hearts and souls and bodies locked.

Cum inside me.
Cum inside me.
Cum inside me.

Blinding breathless shaking overwhelming exploding white God I cum inside her my cock throbbing we’re both moaning eyes hearts souls bodies one.

One.
White.
God.
Cum.
Cum.
Cum.

I close my eyes let out my breath.
Cum.

:lol:
I'll tell you what - that Poems on the Underground mob have really upped their game!
 
#31
Is it ok to name someone in the last meeting thread :crazy:
I remember there was a farrago when Stewart said he had met Andrea M and she considered this unacceptable.
But if the lady agrees to being tagged is it ok then.
As it gives a better picture than just randomly saying I met a random person.
On reflection, I'd say it's probably best not to - as @Benromach and @FullMoonFever have said, it runs the risk of becoming a review,

And if you flip it the other way round, how would punters feel about SPs naming their clients in that thread?
 
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