An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband. "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?" He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid".
A teacher asks a boy in her class "If 3 birds are sitting on a fence, and one is shot, how many are left?" The boy responds with "None". The teacher asks why. "They would all fly away after hearing the gunshot". The teacher says "The answer is 2, but I like the way you think. Later, the boy asks the teacher "3 women walk out of an ice cream shop. One is eating with a spoon, one is licking it, and one is sucking it. Which one is married?" The teacher says "The one sucking it". The boy says "No, the one wearing the ring, but I like the way you think".
A man farts in bed next to his wife. His wife asks "What in the world was that?" He replies "Try! I'm winning, seven nothing". She decides to get even, so she lets one loose. He yells at her "What was that?" She replies "Try! Tied score". He wants to get her back, but he tries so hard he shits the bed. The wife asks "Now what in the world was that?" He replies "Halftime, switch sides"
I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said "You've been promoted." And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again." And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said "You're
managing director." And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said "What happened to you?" And I said "I careered off the road".
For those of my generation who do not, and cannot, comprehend why Facebook exists, I am trying to make friends without Facebook while applying the same principles.
Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom. I give them pictures of my family, my dog, my car and of me gardening. Taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, and doing what anybody and everybody does everyday. I also listen to their conversations, give them "thumbs up" and tell them I "like" them.
And it works,... just like Facebook!!
I already have 4 people following me:
2 police officers,
a private investigator,
and a psychiatrist.
An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.
"Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?" The girl, crying, replied "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family". "Okay, Dad... as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million".
"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad. Girl, crying again "Sniff, sniff... a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a PROTESTANT! Come here and give yer old man a hug!"
-Lawyers should never ask a Texas grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Texas small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.....🤠