JOKES

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Billy came home from school to see the pet cat dead in the front garden.

Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.

When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our cat’s dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the cat straight up to heaven."

"Oh Dad that's great," said Billy.

A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mum today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mum flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't have been for Uncle George holding her down she’d have gone to heaven for sure!"
 
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Billy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his morning chores.

"Not yet," said Billy.

His mother tells him there’s to be no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.

He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon and why don't I have milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mum says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick a pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick one of the cows, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

Billy looks up at his mother with a grin and says: "Are you going to tell him, or shall I?"
 
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Jack came home from school and his homework was to find out what the difference was between hypothetically and realistically,so he went and asked his dad.

His dad said, "Well, go and ask your mum if she would fuck the postman for £10,000."

He went and asked and came back, "She said yes.”

"Well,” said the dad, "Go and ask your sister the same question."

He did and came back and said, "She said yes as well."

And the dad said, "Now go ask your brother the same thing."

He did and came back, "He said yes too!"

So the dad said, "Well hypothetically we're sitting on £30,000 quid, but realistically we're living with 2 whores and a poof!"
 
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A few days after Christmas, a mother was working away in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you fuckers who want off, get the fuck off now, ‘cause this is the last fucking stop! And all of you fuckers who are getting on, get your arses in the train now, ‘cause we're heading down the fucking tracks."

The mother went berserk and rushed into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for three hours. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Three hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train set. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the three hour delay, please see the cunt in the kitchen."
 
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A van full of nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter.

St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And so they do so.

St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?"

The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda, sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..."

St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so.

St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..."

"Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so.

Now at this, there is a noise, and a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!"

Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her arse in it!"
 
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A beautiful woman walks into the doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly attractive she is.
All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take off her skirt, she does, and he starts massaging her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor.

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her top and bra, so she takes them off.

The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her knickers, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having intercourse with her.

He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, catching herpies - that’s why I’m here.”
 
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A girl realised that she had started to grow hair between her legs.

She got worried and asked her mum about it.

Her mum calmly said, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey, so be proud that your monkey has grown hair." And the girl smiled.

At dinner, she told her sister: "My monkey has grown hair."

Her sister smiled and replied, "That’s nothing, mine’s already eating bananas."
 
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Jack is on his last day at work as a postman.

He receives many thank you cards and monetary gifts along his route.

When he gets to the very last house, he is greeted by a drop dead gorgeous housewife, who invites him in for lunch and Jack happily accepts.

After lunch, the woman invites him up to the bedroom for some "desert” and Jack happily accepts again.

When they are done, the woman gives him a pound coin.

Jack is puzzled and asks what the pound is all about.

The woman replies: "Well, it was my husband's suggestion. When I told him that it was your last day at work, he told me “fuck him, give him a quid.”

“The lunch was my idea."
 
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of his office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov and there was a check tablecloth.
It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
 
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I went down to my local supermarket - “I want to complain about this vinegar, it’s got lumps in it” I said to the manager.
”No Sir” he replied “that’s a jar of pickled onions.”
 
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While I was in the local supermarket I tried stealing items balanced on a trio of vampires.

They caught me and I was charged with shoplifting on 3 counts.
 
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I had to go for an operation and I fell head over heels for the anaesthetist - she’s a local girl.


ah, local jokes - there right up my street.
 
Guy goes into the Doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
"How's that?" "Don't you start."

A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here. "

Dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A seal walks into a club.

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says "Pint please, and one for the road."
 
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I went into my local cheese shop and I asked the manager -
”Is it true that there‘s a secret group controlling the supply of the World’s cheeses?”
”Ah, you must be talking about the Hallouminati” he replied.
 
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MEN - READ THIS WITH YOUR LEGS CROSSED.

A bloke passes by Dixons shop window and see's a display for an all-new robot secretary, so he decides to go in and ask the shop assistant all about it.

"Well Sir," says the assistant - "if you squeeze her left breast she takes shorthand dictation and if you squeeze her right breast she types everything out"

"I'll take one." says the man.

The next day the man slowly shuffles back into Dixons and shouts at the assistant - "You cunt, why didn't you tell me it was a pencil sharpener between her legs."
 
Are my testicles black?

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very,
very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"
 
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bastard."

Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

I went down to my local ice-cream shop, and said "I want to buy an ice-cream".
He said "Hundreds and thousands?" I said "We'll start with one."
He said "Knickerbocker glory?" I said "I do have a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes."
 
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks up the dog and starts swinging it around his head.
Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out "Can I help, sir?". "No thanks" says the blind bloke, "I'm just looking".

I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?". I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster. go for it".

I got home and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said "Who's speaking please?" And a voice said "You are".

I rang up my local swimming baths. I said "Is that the local swimming baths?" He said, "It depends where you're calling from".

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".
 
A little old lady went to buy cat food. She picked up three cans but was told by the clerk, "I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat. Too many seniors are buying cat food to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat." So the lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food. . . .

The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof. So the lady went home, brought in her dog and was sold the dog food. . . .

One day later, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid and asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box, quickly pulled it out and exclaimed, "That smells like crap." . . . The lady replied, "It is. I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper."
 
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On the way home from the GP I popped into the chemist -

"I'll have a bar of soap please." I said to the assistant.

"Do you want it scented?" she asked.

"No, I'll take it with me" I replied
 
There was an island with three kingdoms on it. Let's call them A, B and C. The island had a fresh water lake on it and the lake itself had an island. The three kingdoms always kept fighting over this island.

One day the three kingdoms decided to settle this dispute once it for all and sent small portions of their armies. Kingdom A sent 15 knights and 25 squires; kingdom B send 20 knights and 25 squires and Kingdom C sent one knight and one squire.

The knights decided among themselves that this fighting was beneath them and decided to let the squires settle things by themselves. While the squires of Kingdom A and Kingdom B were warming up, the squire of Kingdom C erected a tall pole, tied a noose to it and hung a pot in the noose.

When they actually started fighting, the squire of kingdom C was able to successfully fight off all the other squires, because the squire of the high-pot-and-noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
 
Being over 60 does have its advantages...
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 p.m.
9. You can live without sex (but not without glasses).
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with the elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
21. You can't remember who sent you this.
 
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