Jokes

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4,400
#1
An old man visited a brothel in Manchester.

"Is Rachel here?"

"Rachel is our top girl" the Madam looked at the man's old age and then said "Rachel is very "energetic", are you sure you wouldn't like another girl?"

"No" shouted the man "I want Rachel!"

Just then Rachel appeared.

"I'll give you a £1,000 if you spend the night with me"

Rachel gladly accepted thinking it'd be easy money.

The next morning the Madam asked her:

"How was it?"

"That old man was like a horse. He kept me up all night!"

That night, the Rabbi came back and again for a third night, each time paying Rachel a £1,000.00.

On the fourth night he came back back again.

The Madam said:

"Rachel's not here tonight. It's her night off"

"Tell her I'm Benjamin from Warsaw here to say goodbye. Her sister, Judith, gave me £3,000.00 to give to her, which I've done".
 
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13,209
#12
And here's my fave joke of all time.

Two women are chatting home on a Friday night. One looks out the window and sees her husband walking up the garden path with some flowers.

'Oh no!', she says,

'What's up?', asked the other,

'Here he comes, up the path with a bunch of flowers! He's going to want me to spend all weekend with my legs in the air!'.

'Why?', ask the other, 'Do you not have a vase?'
 
B

Butter wouldn't melt

Guest
#14
there once was a man from Madras,
who's balls were made out of brass,
in stormy weather,
they clanged together,
and sparks flew out of his arse.
Reminds me of a recent client ...... regarding balls clanging together due to the substantial amount of metal work he had.:D
 
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Messages
328
#15
And here's my fave joke of all time.

Two women are chatting home on a Friday night. One looks out the window and sees her husband walking up the garden path with some flowers.

'Oh no!', she says,

'What's up?', asked the other,

'Here he comes, up the path with a bunch of flowers! He's going to want me to spend all weekend with my legs in the air!'.

'Why?', ask the other, 'Do you not have a vase?'
great one, anothher one for the collection!:lol:
 
Messages
13,209
#20
Went to a rich mates house with the gf. At one point we snuck off to his billiards room. She pulls her kickers down and climbs on the table on all fours and says 'Your choice, pink or brown!'

Silly cow...It's billiards, not snooker.
 
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7,356
#26
A guy is away on business and is in his hotel room feeling bored so he decides to employ the services of an escort to keep him entertained for an hour. After browsing the back pages of the paper he sees one he likes the look of so he picks up the hotel phone and dials the number.
A sultry, sexy voice answers saying "Good evening, how may I be of service?"
The guy explains " Well I am feeling very horny so I would like to start with a full body massage, followed by doggie with bondage gear, leather, chains, ball gag and such, then some light spanking and whipping, finishing with oral and a very messy facial"
The woman replies "That all sounds perfectly delightful sir and I would love to oblige but if you dial a '9' first you will get an outside line"
 
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7,356
#28
I was going to start a thread for escorting jokes but then I realised most of them are pretty derogatory towards punters or clients. This is a much better thread and has had me chuckling :lol:
 
#35
The young man went into the brothel, and had a look at the photo`s of the girls displayed on the wall. Under one of the photo`s was written "Martha, The Three breasted girl". Intrigued he paid and was shown into a cubicle - rather dimly lit, but he was able to see the female form lying on the couch, and when he investigated further he found that she did indeed have two breasts in the usual places, and an extra one in the middle. He had a wonderful time kissing and sucking all three breasts as he fucked the girl, and left highly satisfied.

A week later, he decided to visit the lady again. Went into the brothel, asked for Martha, paid, and was shown into the same cubicle. He quickly got down to business, but when he began to explore the girl`s chest with his mouth he found only the normal two breasts. He immediately complained bitterly, shouting that he had been deceived because she had had three breasts last week. The girl looked at him in amusement, and said....


"Sonny, you just don`t get to suck out a boil like that EVERY week"
 
#37
Two blokes in a pub were discussing their favourite positions for sex. The first one gave a graphic description of reverse cowgirl, then said to the other "And what`s your favourite?" Without hesitation the other replied "Oh. it has to be the Rodeo position." The first guy looked puzzled, and asked "Rodeo position? Never heard of it, how does that go?"

"Ah" said the second guy. " It takes a bit of practice, but you bend her over, get your todger well up into her, then you lean forward along her back, lift your legs and wrap them around hers, and then when you`re really firmly in the saddle you whisper in her ear "Your sister likes it this way as well". Then you try and hang on for 3 minutes"
 
#39
An old lady staggered into the sex shop and made her was unsteadily to the counter. The young male assistant, sensing the chance of some fun, asked "Can I help you madam?"
"Yyyyes. Dddoooo yyyyou sssselll vvibbbbrattors?"
"Certainly madam"
"Pppppppink onnnnes"
"Certainly madam"
"Ththththozzze tttten innnnch lllong onnnness?¬
"Certainly madam"
"Welllll, hhhow ddddo yyyyyou tttturn the fffffucking thththing offfff?
 
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9,677
#40
A beautiful girl was walking down a country lane when she saw a frog, she leaned down to the frog and said
"Hello little frog"

The frog replied
"Hello beautiful girl, I am not really a frog but a Dom trapped in this body. If you were to kiss my feet by tomorrow I would be your Dom, you could cook for me, serve me, lick me, suck me and obey my every command."

The beautiful girls eyes widened with excitement.

The next day......

Whilst eating frogs legs in a cream sauce

The girl said...
"Fuck that!"
 
#42
Two Bishops. First says, 'I believe in purity and chastity'. Other says, 'Me, too.' First says, 'I am so pure. I didn't even have sex with my wife before we were married. Did you?"
Other says, 'I don't know, what was your wife's maiden name?'
 
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9,677
#43
In 1991, Cambridge University funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and £180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the Man more pleasure during sex. After Cambridge published the study, Oxford decided to do their own study. After three years of research and £250,000.00, they concluded that the reason was to give the Woman more pleasure during sex. The University of Stoke, unsatisfied with these findings, spent £13.27 (for a Playboy, Penthouse, and a case of WKD) and concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
 
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9,677
#44
There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.

He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"

Of course the Madam said no.

He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant for dinner, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"
 
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9,677
#45
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist
appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
 
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9,677
#46
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the
man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his
wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked."
 
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4,400
#47
John and his wife Mary went to Farnborough air show.

John said, "Mary, I'm 71 years old, I'm going to pay £100.00 and go on one of those air show aeroplane rides."

Mary replied, "It's a hundred pounds!"

A pilot overheard them and said:

"I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you but if either of you say one word it's a hundred pounds."

John and Mary agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard.

He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They landed and the pilot turned to John, "Goodness, I did everything to get you to say something but you didn't."

John replied, "I was going to say something when Martha fell out but a hundred pounds is a hundred pounds."
 
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4,400
#48
God asked Adam,

"What's wrong with you?"

Adam replied he was lonely.

God said He would make a woman for Adam.

"She'll gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She'll always agree with everything you say. She'll bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She won't nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and she'll make love with you whenever you want it."

Adam asked God,

"How much would a woman like that cost?"

God replied,

"An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked,

"What can I get for a rib?"

,,,,,,,,,,,
 
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1,245
#49
An R.A.F. Pilot walks into a R.A.A.F. Mess bar in Darwin, Australia and orders a beer.
One of the local guys asks him what he thinks of Aussies - along the lines of "Hey Pom, are you as good as we are" ?
The Brit replies " I think you're like bananas".
Bruce asks "Waddya mean by that, Cobber" ?
The Brit replies " When you're young you're green, when you're old you're yellow,
and I ain't met a straight one yet".
 
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3,489
#50
A guy is at a football match with an empty seat next to him.
The bloke the other side remarks on it and the first bloke says "Ah, that was my wife's seat before she passed away"
Second bloke says "Well, couldn't you have given the ticket to one of your mates?"
First bloke, "No, not really, they're all at the funeral"
 
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